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I get asked often for advice how to become a better sex partner — as top or as bottom. I’ve been having anal sex for over 30 years now (I started when I was 10, thanks to the boy scouts) so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been given tips and advice to friends on many occasions and I thought it might be useful to write these down in a blog post.
Let’s start with some basic tips
Before we dive deep into it (pun intended), let’s start with the basics.
- It really helps if you understand the human body better. Know how the intestines are shaped, where the prostate is and how you can relax the anus.
- Talk, communicate. Tell the other what you like, and what you don’t like. Listen. Make eye contact. Give compliments and praise. Make sure that both parties are at ease. Avoid any pressure. Pressure makes a bottom tight and a cock soft. Just relax, go with the flow. Kiss, cuddle, moan. Tell the top if you’re nervous, or that you’re not a pro (yet). Giving him this information will probably make him go extra slow (if he’s not an asshole) and be more careful. Communication is key.
- Relax. Don’t pressure yourself or the other. Sex is (usually) about having fun TOGETHER. Porn is not reality. Enjoy each other in the moment, chill, and when all feels good, have great sex. Never feel rushed, if you’re on a time restriction, you’re doomed to fail.
- IMHO: the best tops have experience as a bottom. I always say I’m about 80% top. I top most of the time, but sometimes I bottom too. And because I do, I better understand what the bottom is going through, and why it is impossible to just push your cock in at once.
A little bit of anatomy to start with
An ass is so much more than just a tight ring where you can stick your cock in. It really pays off if you understand what’s behind that ring — if only to choose the best positions. Have a look at this picture.
Note the shape of the rectum and the position of the prostate. The prostate is like the male g-spot, and it feels amazing if you softly rub it with a finger, dick or toy. However, if the angle of your cock is in such a direction that each trust bangs straight at his prostate, the feeling will be overwhelming and he probably will ask you to stop. Now imagine a position where your cock follows the direction of his rectum, that will be a much easier way to get used to your cock.
Clean that ass before the deed, but don’t overthink it
It’s good practice as a bottom to clean out your ass before you go out to fuck. Most tops will expect a bottom to be prepared and come douched. I always ask boys who come over upfront if they douche at home, or if they want to douche at my place. I won’t go into detail on douching, but if you don’t know how to do it, check out this amazing tutorial on how to clean your ass.
IMHO: douching is overrated and can sometimes do more harm than good (you don’t want to know how often a bottom leaked brown water on my bed during sex). Some tips to prevent having to douche in the first place:
- Eat lots of fiber-rich food such as wholegrain bread/rice
- Take psyllium pills with each meal to make your poop more solid
- Go to the toilet an hour before the deed (and of course shower afterwards). As long as you don’t have to poop the moment your start fucking, you’ll probably be fine
- Use good silicon-based lube — poop won’t stick to it
You’ll see that it will probably work out just fine!
Pro-tip: if I’m not sure if the bottom is clean, I simply check it. I apply a bit of silicon lube on my finger and start fingering him. If I feel a turd, I basically have two options: I discuss it with the bottom (hey, I think you’re not totally clean..) and ask him to anal douche. And we continue in about half an hour. Or I just roll on a condom, apply lots of silicon lube (so the poop doesn’t stick) and once my cock entered, I won’t take it out until I’ve cum. So even when switching positions, I leave it in. Reasoning: once I’ve taken it out and it’s dirty, I probably lost my horniness. Don’t make a big fuss about it, it’s just poop, we all need to do it. That’s the biological role of the anus remember? There is no reason to shame the bottom for not being clean. I always make a joke when “shit happens”, to relax the bottom. Something like “Hey, don’t worry. If I can’t stand a bit of poop, maybe I shouldn’t push my dick in an anus in the first place.”
It all comes with trust, confidence and consent
Sex is not how we see it on PornHub. Don’t think you can learn how to fuck by looking at porn. When I film with a boy who needs time to relax, I sometimes spend half an hour preparing him. And only after he can take my cock without issues, I start filming. On the recorded movie, it seems that I can simply slide in without issues. But you don’t see all the preparations I’ve done before I start filming. Fucking is hardly about the movement, but more about the trust and the emotional connection. You’re entering someone’s most private body part with yours. If you manage to make a connection, kiss, talk, hug, and all that while fucking, you can have amazing sex. Most bottoms seek a top who is confident, who knows what he’s doing, and who’s capable of making them feel sexy and wanted. Even if you’re scared of hurting him, or not sure how to do it best, try to at least give him the feeling that you know what you’re doing. If he gets the feeling that you have no idea what you’re doing, he probably won’t be able to relax. And if he can’t relax, if won’t be good sex for sure.
Get yourself the best lube
I cannot stress this enough: water-based lube is only for toys. Invest in good silicon-based lube. I’m a huge fan of PJUR Back Door, but any good silicon-based lube will work fine. Silicon-based lube is condom-safe but might ruin your toys — that’s where the water-based lube comes in handy. Using water-based lube during intercourse sucks because it dries, and you need to keep applying more. Silicon lube also helps to prevent poop from sticking to your dick, another advantage above water-based lube.
Make the bottom at ease with some good foreplay
I spend about 5–10 minutes playing with the bottom. I love to give a good rim job, and to finger him. For a rim job, try the position below. The top is on the bed, the bottom on his knees above him. While you rim his ass, he can suck you. Best of both worlds! After you’ve done this for a while, try laying the bottom on bed on his back, legs slightly raised. You are next to him, on your side. Apply some lube on your index finger and slowly massage his ass ring. Again, don’t rush. Kiss him while you do this.
Then slowly enter with your finger. Just until the first knuckle, then wait. Pull it out, enter again. Make small rings on the inside of his pucker. Spread the lube all around. After a minute or so, go a bit deeper. His prostate is about two knuckles deep. If you’re in two knuckles deep, bend your finger tips slowly towards his belly, towards the ceiling. Until you feel a harder bit of skin. If he moans if you push it softly, you’re at the right spot. Again: communicate! How does this feel? Do you like what I’m doing? If you’re at the right spot, it’s amazing to make small circles on it. Alternate it with other moves. Make I’s and O’s. Tap it. And don’t forget to kiss, or maybe even give him a blowjob while you’re at it. Keep doing this for say 5 minutes. Most bottoms will get really wet and sloppy when you do this. And this is the perfect way to prepare him for your cock in his hole.
Pro tip: practice this on yourself when you’re alone, with good lube. Try if you can find your prostate, and experience how it feels if you rub it. Make small circles, tap it. By experiencing this yourself, you can give more pleasure to the bottom. The angle to reach your own prostate is a bit more tricky. I’d recommend to lay on your side, pull your knees up, and use your thumb instead of your index finger.
Time to enter!
After enough foreplay, it’s time to enter. But only after you’ve applied plenty of lube on your cock. I usually let my cock become a bit softer when I enter. Because when my cock is softer, it’s much easier for him to get used to it. This is tricky, because if you’re too soft, it will be difficult to enter. What I do here is that I wrap my hand around the base of my cock and squeeze it so that the front of my cock is hard enough to enter. When the tip is in, I try to push the first half of my half-hard cock in. And only when he’s relaxed enough and I’m already halfway in, I’ll make it hard again. Not everyone has this level of control over their cock, so if you cannot do this, just leave it hard from the start. But make sure to take your time for this part, that’s really important.
Tips for the top: he trusts you now for knowing what you do. Don’t spoil this moment by making the mistake of going too fast. Once you hurt him, the trust is gone and the fun will probably be over. From the moment I start going in, until I’m in balls-deep, it will take me about 2 minutes. After the head pops in, he might panic. Talk to him; tell him he’s doing great, and that you will wait until he’s relaxed before you continue. Try to take his mind off the pain by distracting him. In this phase, I play with his hair, give him soft kisses in his neck, bit softly in his ear lobes. Anything to make him think of something else than his ass.
Once you feel he’s relaxed enough, you can go a bit deeper. Go slow. Pause when you’re in halfway. And keep talking: you’re doing great, this feels amazing, you’re so sexy, etcetera. When you’re in halfway, it’s time to pull back a bit. This helps to spread the lube all around. Make small, slow, back and forth movements with only the first half of your cock. Pause now and then. Alternate between fuck movements, pauses and slowly going deeper. It simply takes time for the bottom to expand his rectum and it’s your job to make sure the lube is nicely spread all around his anus. If you push it in all at once, the tip of your cock will dry before you’re all the way in and you will hurt him.
Tips for the bottom: stop thinking, let it go. Try to relax your anus at this point, and never squeeze. It helps if you softly push out, like as if you’re on the toilet. By doing so, your anus ring expands and it will be way easier for the cock to enter. Talk to him, let him know it if you want him to wait. Or when he can go a bit faster. Try not to scream “take it out!” too quickly. Better is to ask him to not move for a while so you can try to get used off the feeling. Count to 30 and you’ll see that the pain is gone. If you want, this is the best time to take a sniff of poppers to relax your anus. For the tops: don’t take poppers yourself until the bottom is fully relaxed and the fucking is going great. You want to be sober at this point and be in control. Also, poppers can make your cock go soft.
Some good positions to start with
Again, have a look at the anatomy image above. Start with positions that follow the direction of his rectum. Only after he is relaxed enough, and you both enjoy the fucking, it’s time to switch positions.
Here are some of my favourite positions for beginners, in this order. First try position 1 and if that all works out fine, it’s time to move to position 2, and so on.
Make him lie flat on his belly — legs straight. You on top, you can imagine your cock going straight in his rectum, only slightly rubbing his prostate. That is a great position to start with! You can even warm him up by adding some lube on your cock and just fuck the part between his squeezed legs. For this to work, make sure his legs are touching each other, and your legs are on the outside. Don’t enter his anus — just fuck the space between his legs, and from time to time use your cock head to rub his perineum (the part between his balls and ass) and his ass ring. Kiss his neck, whisper nice words in his ears, and when you think he’s relaxed enough, slowly push the tip of your cock in. Double-check if you need to add more lube before you enter. It helps (him) if your cock is not super hard at this stage.
This is still an angle where you don’t fully hit his prostate. I would start with the bottom (on his side) having both his knees pulled up towards his chest, so there is space for the top to place his knees closer to the bottom. If this works out fine, you can play by lifting his top leg, like on the drawing. Again, take your time, add more lube if needed. I love to grab the bottom by his ass, squeeze it, or use both hands on his upper leg while I fuck him. If you’re into more kinky stuff, you can even try grabbing him by his throat and squeeze a bit. As always, make eye contact, seek for consent. First just place your hand on his throat. He’ll probably let you know if you can squeeze by nodding.
I love the doggy position, especially the variant where the bottom comes up like this. As top, I can grab the bottom by his hips and fuck him harder. Also (for the kinky ones), it’s a nice position to wrap one arm around his throat and lick his ears while you fuck him.
If you get to the point where these positions all work out fine, and you both want to go further, then I’d recommend to go for the missionary style. The bottom on his back, knees pulled towards his shoulders. And the top on his knees.
Pro tip for bottoms: if you’re in doggy position, ALWAYS hollow your back. Meaning: ass and shoulders up, belly button towards the bed. Not only does this make you look much sexier, but if you bulge your back, it’s much harder for the top to keep his cock in you. Don’t ever do that.
In this position, you’re fully hitting his prostate. This can be very fun, but also very overwhelming for beginning bottoms. You might want to pause from time to time, or switch positions. The advantage of this position is that you can kiss while fucking. Or, if you’re into it, slap his face of spit in his mouth. Don’t do this if you’re not sure he likes it. Because if he doesn’t, the fun is over. How do you know? Just ask upfront. Sounds weird, it’s not.
Get experimental with different positions
Once you made it to this point, the variations are endless. And here is where the good tops outshine the beginners. It’s like with dancing, one takes the lead and is in control. That’s usually the top (but not always). So guide the bottom into several positions. Vary your speed from soft and gentle thrusts, to rock-hard fucking (jackhammering). Switch between hitting his prostate and making deep thrusts in his colon.
Some extra tips and advice
On my Twitter page, I asked for input for this blog post. I got several questions, such as:
- How can I stay hard as a top?
This one is difficult to answer. I can get soft when I’m either not horny, or when I’m in my head too much. If the issue is in your head.. talk. Take a break, for example for a massage. Or rim his ass. That will get me back stiff in seconds. If it’s a medical condition, you could try erection enhancement pills such as viagra/kamagra. I sometimes use kamagra (the “illegal” alternative to viagra which you can just order online) when I need to perform, for example when I have a collaboration. The cameraman, lightning, etc can be overwhelming and to make sure I stay hard, I sometimes take a kamagra. Or when I attend an orgy and want to keep fucking all night long, it’s useful too. Don’t use it too often though, because you can get used to it, which makes fucking without additives even harder. Note: never use kamagra if you’re suffering with low blood pressure. And don’t combine it with (too much) poppers.
- How to keep going for a long time?
We’ve all been there. You are fucking for a minute, it feels great, and you cum. And gone is the horniness. When you just want to keep fucking for a few more minutes, you could simply think of your nanny naked. Or take it out, wait a while and continue. You could also use something to numb your gland, for example with lube that contains lidocaine. If you don’t want to numb the bottoms feelings, you could apply a bit on your cock head, then roll on a condom. That way you keep the lidocaine on your cock alone. If you’re up for a whole night of fucking, you could try kamagra/viagra (see above). It not only helps you to get/maintain an erection, but also makes it a bit harder to cum.
- How can I, as a bottom, do more to please a top?
Communicate, praise him. Either by just saying it out loud (this is so good, don’t stop, do me harder, etcetera), by moaning in his ears, or just body language. Move with him, pull him closer when he fucks you. Most tops don’t like sea stars (those who lay flat on their belly, arms and feet wide, waiting for it to be over). Depending on the position, kiss him, squeeze his chest, rub his belly. If you can reach it, he might like it if you pull his balls (softly) or maybe even rub his anus / massage his prostate while he fucks you.
- What if I don’t have a porn-sized dick?
I tend to believe that most bottoms would prefer a smaller cock on a top who knows how to use it, then a huge cock on a top who has no clue what he’s doing. And even if he does… a cock is more often too big than too small. Remember.. his prostate is only 2 knuckles away. Hit it good using the missionary position and he’ll love it.
- Bonus question: can you learn a bottom how to deep-throat a cock?
Haha, yes! A bottom can practice his gag reflex easily at home, by rubbing a tooth brush against his uvula. Do this regularly and you’ll see that your gag reflex will decrease over time. When I’m having sex with a bottom and I train him in deep-throating, I use 2 tricks. First, I make sure that my cock follows the direction of his throat. My cock points up a bit when I’m hard, so it’s impossible to deep-throat me when I stand up and he’s on his knees in front of me. But when he’s sucking me while I rim him (see the Foreplay image), the angle is just fine. He then either can try it himself, or I guide him a bit by lifting one foot, place it on his head and slowly push his head down on my cock. Again; only do this when you know that he trusts you and that he’s up for it. First just do it for a second (he will probably panic and try to escape), before you let him gasp for air. Compliment him (good boy, now let’s try that again). And you push him down again, another second. After a few times, you tell him that you’re gonna train him a bit more. What I like to do now is to push his head down on my cock and immediately start counting down out loud from five to zero. Sounds stupid, but it really helps. His urge to panic and fight disappears the moment he thinks “oh, only 4 more seconds, I can do this”.
Last but least; evaluate and improve. After fucking: cuddle, and ask how it was. What did he like? What could you do more? What did you do that he didn’t like? Listen, and try to be a better top next time! And don’t forget; enjoy! And have fun… plenty of fun!
I hope you liked this post and I’d love to hear what you think? Was it useful? Should I write more posts like this? Or do you have other questions? Let me know in the comments, or DM me on Twitter. I’ll update this blog post if needed!
PS: special thanks to Sean (@seantkin on Twitter) for your help with editing my post!